A cookie recipe for the baking challenged or maybe even an infant.

I'm going to do you a favor.

First, I'm going to inform you that Bartell's frowns upon the act of unwrapping multiple lipsticks and testing them before setting them down and walking away. They really don't like it and they will even sic a really scary security guard on you when you are trying to leave. Then you will get a picture taken under unflattering fluorescent lighting in the secret back room, and they also don't like it when you joke about looking good because, well, you just found the perfect shade of berry-colored lipstick. They will also try scaring you into believing you can't enter another Bartell's for a year but aha! That is a lie. Because I tested it myself.

Second, I'm going to give you the most fool-proof cookie recipe that is going to be your permanent go-to, so you're welcome. Some of my friends tell me they are terrible at baking. They say nothing ever turns out as planned and then I will be over at their house watching them make cookies and they start throwing random amounts of flour and sugar and baking soda into a bowl and are confused when they come out spread across the pan in one giant clump. "how much flour did you put in there?" "oh i don't know, i like to just eyeball it." Ok then. Interesting tactic.

So these classic chocolate cookies are easy. They are easy so long as you follow the recipe, which apparently is a novel concept. And I bet you even have all the ingredients in your pantry already.

Classic Chocolate Cookies
Recipe from my homegirl Martha Stewart

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups sugar + some for dipping
2 eggs
2 tsp pure vanilla extract

Sift together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter, 2 cups sugar and eggs on medium speed until light and fluffy, about two minutes. Add vanilla and mix to combine. Gradually add dry ingredients and combine with mixer on low speed. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and chill until dough is firm, about one hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper. Roll dough into 1-inch balls. Dip top of each ball into sugar. Place on prepared baking sheets about 1 1/2 inches apart. Flatten balls just a TINY bit. Bake until set, about 7 minutes. Cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Soft, chewy chocolate cookies...is there anything better? Friday.

Friday is better.

A really boozy sunday.

I almost threw up multiple times while making this cake.

Poor planning found me in the kitchen Sunday morning baking a cake for a whiskey-themed dinner party after a night out at a whiskey bar. Not advised. In fact, strongly discouraged.

None of the whiskey cake recipes online really did it for me, so I kind of pieced togeth my own like a G. I poured a whiskey glaze over two layers of yellow whiskey cake, stacked them together, and covered them in a toffee buttercream frosting. Please know that I felt so badass pouring Southern Comfort into the stand mixer of my kitchen aid. I was having an identity crisis between a rebellious teen and a perpetually drunk mom on Intervention.

I'm not much of a whiskey drinker. If I am drinking it, it's because I think I look cool. I can get down with this cake, though. It's moist (moist is your favorite word, right?) and has a good, strong flavor. The toffee buttercream makes it incredibly rich, but I think it pairs perfectly with the other flavors.

Sooo I got drunk off this cake. Really, though. Most of the whiskey is in the glaze, which doesn't get cooked off, so hello there cup of whiskey. Something I would not do is recommend this cake post-breakup. That would mean you would probably eat the entire thing and then as a result be shitfaced.

Whiskey Cake with Toffee Buttercream

Ingredients
1 box yellow cake mix
1 small box vanilla pudding mix
4 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup milk
1/8 cup whiskey
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

1/4 cup butter
3/4 cups whiskey
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 cup chopped walnuts

1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/3 cup milk
2 cups powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350F.

For the cake: Add cake mix, pudding mix, eggs, vegetable oil, milk, and whiskey to the bowl of a stand mixer. Beat for 5 minutes on medium speed. Add the walnuts and beat for another minute. The batter will be thick.  Pour batter into two greased 8'' cake pans. Bake for about 35 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean.

For the glaze: Melt the 1/4 cup butter in a large bowl. Add the whiskey and powdered sugar. Whisk until smooth. Poke holes all over the cake and pour the glaze all over both layers of cake. I poured some over the top, spooned it to cover the entire top and let it soak in. Repeat this until the glaze is gone.

For the frosting: Heat brown sugar, butter, and milk in a heavy bottom pot and bring to a boil, stirring constantly for two minutes. Remove from heat and cool for 30 minutes. Add powdered sugar and blend until smooth. Ice cake immediately. This frosting does set up rather quickly, so don't be slow! Hurry up and frost that sucker. Sprinkle chopped walnuts on top.

I rarely bake cakes myself, but I have obviously seen every episode of Amazing Wedding Cakes and Ace of Cakes, so the expectations of how this was going to look cosmetically were a little high. They slowly decreased as I went along and at one point any expectations at all were entirely non-existent. But hey, the rough edges and rustic nature make it look like it would fit in with some cowboys. In fact I'm pretty sure they were eating this exact cake in True Grit. Not positive though.

A biscotti recipe that actually tastes good.

Ok, I know what you're thinking. "Really, Maddie? Is that the best you can do? A biscotti?" But don't be so quick to judge, my friends. Just as hideous fur boots have a place on the legs of underage girls at raves, biscottis have a place in life, too. I personally guarantee that if you pair one of these bad boys with your morning coffee the capacity of your daily happiness will increase by at least 26%. It helps if it's a Friday.

So I can't take full credit for these, because it's actually my mom who found this recipe and modified it in order to get it just right. But I'm going to pretend it's my own, because that's what daughters do. Kind of like when she makes a gourmet meal and I try to pass it off as my own work, when in fact all I did was toss the salad. "You're welcome everyone. Really, it's no big deal. The braised lamb and roasted butternut squash rissoto practically made itself!" What, your mom doesn't allow that? Well mine also packed my lunch for work in an honest-to-god lunchbox every day when I lived with my parents after college and still occasionally makes my dentist appointments for me.

The beauty of the biscotti is that you can add whatever you like to it. Dried mango, pistachios, chocolate, whatevaaa. The ones I made have craisins, orange zest, almonds, and white chocolate. It's surprising that I even like them, considering they are hard and to me hard cookies are pretty much comparable to satan, but the fact that it's acceptable to eat them early in the morning increases the allure.

So. Are you ready to go on a biscotti adventure?

White Chocolate Almond Biscotti

Ingredients
1 3/4 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, melted
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
1 cup unsalted roasted almonds, chopped
1 cup Craisins
Zest of small orange
1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350F

2. In a bowl, sift together flour and baking powder.

3. In another bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, butter, vanilla, almond extract, and orange zest. Stir into flour mixture until a soft, sticky dough forms. Add chopped almonds and Craisins to dough.

4. Transfer to a lightly floured surface. Form into a smooth ball.

5. Divide dough in half. Roll out the dough into a 12-inch log.

This is my hand model. Look at that nail polish color! And those nail beds! Just exquisite.

6. Transfer to an ungreased baking sheet. Form dough into a rectangle.

7. Bake for 20 minutes. Turn oven down to 325F.

8. Using a serrated knife, cut into 3/4-inch thick slices.

9. Stand biscottis upright (on cut sides).

10. Bake for 12 minutes. Take them out, turn each biscotti over on the other side, and bake for another 12 minutes. Allow to cool.

11. Put white chocolate chips in a ziploc bag and melt in the microwave for about a minute and a half at 20-second intervals. Are you scared this is going to give you cancer? It probably is. When smooth, cut a hole at the end, pipe the chocolate on top of each biscotti and spread with a knife. And you're done!

Biscottis are not the prettiest things to photograph, but I think we can all agree the coffee cups I painted are pretty much the most beautiful things on earth. Usually I am sarcastic so you are probably confused right now, like, is she being serious? and I am being completely serious. I feel so incredibly cool when I drink out of those like whoooaaa.

Things that bring me an unsurpassable amount of joy.

The free popcorn at Les Schwab.

Hearing my dad say "that was SICK!" with all the fervor of a 16-year-old boy. A 16-year-old boy in 2004.

That unspoken mutual agreement that passes between me and my roommate when someone knocks on our door on a Sunday. The silent agreement that neither of us will be getting up from the couch to answer the door. The chances of it being Mormons or a kid trying to sell shit far outweigh the chances that it's someone we actually like.

The shitload of new emoji's that came with the new iPhone update. Words are now completely unnecessary and way overrated in terms of communication.

Waking up on a Tuesday only to realize it's actually Friday. On the reverse, there is probably nothing worse than waking up on a Saturday only to realize it's Monday.

When guys wear white sunglasses LOL JK.

Peanut butter frozen yogurt from Menchies. 'Tis the perfect vehicle for crumbled reese's, peanuts, and warm peanut butter drizzled on top. No, this post is not sponsored by Jiff.

The fact that illustrator Lisa Congdon didn't start painting until she was in her 30s. I'M NOT TOO OLD TO BE SOMEONE!

When I leave for work with a messy house and come home to a spotless house just because my roommate decided to clean. This has never happened but I imagine it would be quite nice.

The myfriendsaremarried tumblr.

The party bus that took me and my friends to a club this weekend. By party bus I mean neighborhood shuttle and by club I mean small casino in Cle Elum that usually serves around six locals. True story.

Seeing parents genuinely enjoying their young children while in public. Creep factor high on this one in regards to me. Hide yo children hide yo wife.

A salted caramel frosting recipe that doesn't involve a candy thermometer. This isn't because I have anything against thermometers, but more because I broke mine trying to make caramel last time. Science, man.

Salted caramel is all the rage these days, and for good reason. This frosting turns out light and fluffy with an incredible slightly bitter caramel taste. I like pairing it with dark chocolate cake, but it would also be great with vanilla.

Dark Chocolate & Salted Caramel Cupcakes
Adapted from Chow
Makes 24 cupcakes

Use your favorite dark chocolate cake recipe. This one is mine. Then top with this frosting:

Salted Caramel Frosting
1/2 cup sugar
4 tbl water
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tsp. vanilla extract
12 tbl (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
3 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tsp fine salt

1. Briefly stir together sugar and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Continue cooking, without stirring, until mixture turns a dark amber color, about 8-12 minutes.

2. Remove from heat and slowly add in cream and vanilla, stirring with a wooden spoon until completely smooth. Set aside until cool to the touch, about 25 minutes. If you want to drizzle some caramel on top of the cupcakes like I did, reserve a little caramel in a separate container for later.

3. Combine butter and salt in a bowl of a stand mixture fitted with the paddle attachment and beat on medium-high speed until light in color and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce speed to low, add powdered sugar, and mix until completely incorporated.

4. Turn mixture off and scrape down the sides of the bowl, then add caramel. Beat frosting on medium-high speed until airy and thoroughly mixed, about two minutes. Use immediately or cover and refrigerate up to five days.

Pumpkin spice lattes ain't got shit on these.

Does anyone else ever wonder how Ellen Degeneres is able to watch so much reality tv in addition to hosting her own show and being fucking awesome?

I'm thinking she doesn't sleep. That or she has someone on her staff filling her in on what is happening with the most influential members of our society including Amber Portwood, Emily Maynard, and Spencer Pratt. But that would be cheating, and something tells me my girl Ellen isn't a cheater. In any case, I admire her proven dedication and genuine interest in all things reality. It allows us to connect on a spiritual level. This is me talking as if we are besties.

I, on the other hand, have fallen behind on nearly all of my shows and it's almost as if my soul has been ripped from my very own body because reality tv is essentially my identity. My purpose in life. I'm ashamed to admit I don't know what's going on with So You Think You Can Dance, I have yet to see any episodes of the Real Housewives of Miami, and I'm not even sure if Kourtney Kardashian birthed her second child yet. It would be cool to tell you I've been too busy with work, or cleaning out my basement, or maybe doing good things for the community, but mostly I've just been drinking. Not alone, don't worry.

But luckily fall is upon us. In addition to honeycrisp apples, tailgating, and the sight of school supplies in stores, fall is my favorite season because it means I can partake in an excessive amount of tv watching without the guilt I feel during the summer. It's actually still been pretty nice out around here but I'm just going to ignore that.

Fall is also the best season because we get to go buckwild with pumpkin.

Pumpkin spice cupcakes, to be exact. You are quite possibly already sick of the words "pumpkin spice" due to the onsalught of facebook statuses written by girls confessing their love for pumpkin spice lattes that are currently clogging your mini feed.

This is my roommate posing in a pretty unnatural position. At this exact moment she was saying, "can I be done yet?"

Please enjoy the nerdy pumpkin cupcake liners. These are often mistaken for apples, which upsets me probably more than it should. I snuck these in my mom's cart one day when we were shopping because I'm 4 years old.

Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes w/ Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting
Adapted from Taste of Home
Makes 24 cupcakes

Cupcake Ingredients
3/4 cup butter, softened
2 1/4 cups sugar
3 eggs
1 can (15-oz) solid-pack pumpkin
2 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbl. pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
3/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 cup buttermilk

Preheat oven to 350F.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add pumpkin. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the flour, pie spice, baking powder, cinnamon, salt, baking soda, ginger, and nutmeg. Add to the creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating well after each addition.

Fill paper-lined muffin cups three-fourths full. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.

Frosting Ingredients
1 package (8-oz) cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup butter, softened
3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 tsp. ground cinnamon

Beat cream cheese and butter until fluffy. Add the confectioners sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. Beat until smooth. Frost cupcakes.

The second-best candy bar there is.

Upon getting my driver's license when I was 16, my dad told me I would never forget my first ride as the driver behind the wheel. That he still remembers where he took his friends, and how it's a milestone in every young person's life that they always remember.

Well, my memory is comparable to that of a goldfish, so I actually don't remember where I went. But I'm sure it was somewhere very important, full of Mariah Carey and mature conversations. If I had to put money on it, I would guess 7/11 or perhaps the mall to partake in some serious nothing. Going to the mall for the sake of just being at the mall literally sounds like the worst thing in the entire world.

However, one moment I will never, EVER forget is the time I took my first bite of a Snickers ice cream bar. I was 14, wearing pink leggings and an Old Navy tech vest, and had just murdered my brother's high score on the pogo stick. I ate four of them that day.

Snickers isn't even my favorite candy bar (Reese's is, duh), so it's all very confusing. But I've come to the conclusion that they put crack in those bars. Addiction is real, players. So is obesity.

If you have never had a Snickers ice cream bar, stop watching The Voice right now and go get one. And shame on you. If you can do one thing for yourself this year it's eat one of those. When you've completed this task, then make these homemade Snickers, because they are nearly as good. I'm even going to come out with the bold statement that they are better than regular Snickers. It could have something to do with the fact that peanut butter is added to basically every layer.

After I made these I realized they are gluten free. Can I get a hell yeah?? This doesn't really affect me because I practically bathe in gluten, but one of my friends can never eat anything I make because, well, I'm an asshole and bring over muffins and cookies and cupcakes when we get together. Or sometimes I do take her gluten allergy into consideration and bring over things like peanut butter pretzel bites only to realize I'm a huge moron. Because yeah, pretzels.

Homemade Snickers Bars
recipe from Brown Eyed Baker

Bottom Chocolate Layer
1 1/4 cup milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup peanut butter

Thouroughly grease a 9x13-inch baking pan. Melt together the chocolate chips and peanut butter in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds, until completely smooth and melted.  Pour into prepared baking dish and smooth into an even layer. Refrigerate until completely cool and hard.

Nougat Layer
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1 1/2 cups marshmallow fluff
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1 1/2 cups salted peanut, roughly chopped
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Add the sugar and evaporated milk, stirring until dissolved, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove the pan from heat and add the marshmallow fluff, peanut butter, and vanilla extract, stirring until completely smooth. Fold in the peanuts, then pour over the bottom layer. Refrigerate until cool.



Caramel Layer
14-oz bag of caramels, unwrapped
1/4 cup heavy cream
Combine the caramels and the heavy cream in a small saucepan over low heat. Melt, stirring occasionally, until smooth. Once completely melted, cook for an additional 4 minutes, stirring frequently. Pour the caramel over the nougat layer. Refrigerate until completely cool, about 30 minutes.

Top Chocolate Layer
1 1/4 cups milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
Melt together the chocolate chips and peanut butter in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds, until completely smooth and melted. Pour over the caramel layer and smooth into an even layer. Refrigerate until completely cool, about an hour.

Cut bars into pieces and store in refrigerator.

And when I say sometimes I mean pretty much all the time.

Sometimes I spend entirely too much time thinking about the people who decide it's a good idea to get massages in the middle of the airport.

Sometimes I go to cnn.com to get smart and then end up immediately going to the entertainment section.

Sometimes I dip a spoon into peanut butter, then into peanut butter granola, then I put honey on it, then I put it in my mouth. Because my body is a temple.

Sometimes I feel like a true adult. Like when I discover I already have all the ingredients in my pantry for a meal I'm about to make. Or when I get genuinely WAY TOO EXCITED about my new glass food storage containers. And then I make my mom come to the doctor with me.

Sometimes I am so blown away by the beauty of Seattle. This is usually right before I step on a syringe of some sort.

Sometimes I find myself eating Lucky Charms on the couch watching Teen Mom with no pants on and that's when I start to wonder how I have nice things and a job.

Sometimes when a recipe calls for chicken I go to the Whole Foods salad bar and fill up a box of their prepared chicken instead of cooking it myself because I am actually the laziest person on the planet. I also love throwing money away.

Sometimes when I wear sweatshirts, and converse sneakers, and dirty jeans with holes in them, I also wear a fancy necklace so people don't mistake me for being homeless.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone actually reads this blog because I ramble about the most nonsensical nonsense. Thanks though guys, it pays the bills. (not at all).

Sometimes I procrastinate so hardcore on cookie orders that I have to do next-day Saturday shipping that costs $140. I'm not very good at math but something tells me that transaction wasn't entirely profitable.

Sometimes I steal recipes from my roommate's mom because she has a stack of real recipes that are written down on notecards and ripped from newspapers, which automatically guarantees they are worthwhile. Tangible recipes are hard to come by these days so we must celebrate them! They are rare and beautiful like good-looking men in Seattle and unicorn tears.

This particular one came from The Seattle Times. You know those 7-layer bars that have coconut and graham cracker and are completely magical? These are like those, but in cookie form. A man named Dave invented them, and he just happens to call them treasure cookies. Deal with that in your heart.

Dave's Chocolate Chip Treasure Cookies

Ingredients
1 1/2 cups ground graham-cracker crumbs
2 tsps baking powder
1 can (14-oz.) sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sweetened shredded coconut
1 package (12-oz.) semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 375F.

In a bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, flour, and baking powder. In a mixer bowl, beat the condensed milk and butter until smooth. Add the graham cracker mixture and mix well. Stir in the coconut, chocolate chips, and walnuts. Mixture should be slightly lumpy and dry.

Shape dough into 1 1/2-inch balls and place onto ungreased cookie sheets, allowing room to spread. Bake 9 to 10 minutes or until lightly brown. Transfer to racks to cool.