Bad habit

I came home one Saturday morning after a particularly late night out to find that my roommate had, what I assume was mere moments prior to passing out on the couch the night before, decided to put a turkey burger on the stove to cook. It was 3am and she was hungry. She was apparently also tired because she left it cooking the entire night.

The first two occurrences of this, I laughed it off. The house smelled terrible, of burnt plastic and charred processed meat, but what an idiot! I was proud of her for accomplishing such a task an admirable four years after graduating college.

The third time wasn't as funny and neither was the fourth.

More than anything else, I was just really tired of that smell. Sure, it was also a massive fire hazard. Yeah that too.

There was need for an intervention. We had pep talks. You can do this! We had coaching lessons. Ok, pretend you're hammered drunk, so you basically have the brain of a small child with a slight mental handicap. You're hungry. What do you do? We thought about hanging signs all over the kitchen with friendly reminders Don't leave the stove on when you're drunk or maybe don't cook at all but resolved that would be too embarrassing when guests were over.

I had accepted my fate, was okay with it even, when one day my roommate realized cooking her turkey burgers Friday after work, prior to going anywhere, was the answer to everything. To deflect the fact that it took us a ridiculous amount of time to drum up this solution I'm going to share a side story with you: Once in college my friend turned on the oven to make pizza bites and then promptly placed them in the microwave in an attempt to cook them and then fell asleep to Antique Roadshow, so that's pretty awesome.

Baking tip: Turn on the oven, put food items in the oven, take food items out of oven, turn off the oven.

Want to know how to make cinnamon mocha biscottis? Somehow my almond biscotti post gets more hits than any other post on this blog, so I've put peanut butter on hold for a second to bring you another biscotti recipe that's equally as good.

Cinnamon Mocha Biscottis
Adapted from Food.com

Ingredients
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tbl. instant espresso
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
pinch of cayenne pepper - optional but adds some
1 cup toasted almonds
1 cup dark chocolate chips

1 1/2 cups semi-sweet or white chocolate chips for topping

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 325F.

2. Combine butter, sugars and espresso in a large bowl and beat with an electric mixer until light and fluffy.

3. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.

4. Add vanilla and mix briefly.

5. Add flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and cayenne pepper and mix until well blended. Fold in almonds and chocolate chips.

6. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Scoop dough out onto paper and form into a large rectangle, about 3/4-inch thick.

7. Bake 25 minutes. Remove from oven and cool 10 minutes.

8. Use a serrated knife to cut the dough into 1/2-inch thick slices.

9. Place on a parchment-lined baking sheet and return to the oven for 8 minutes.

10. Turn and bake 8 more minutes.

11. Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

12. Put semi-sweet or white chocolate chips in a ziploc bag and melt in the microwave for about a minute and a half at 20-second intervals. Are you scared this is going to give you cancer? It probably is. When smooth, cut a hole at the end, pipe the chocolate on top of each biscotti and spread with a knife.

If you haven't made biscotti before, I suggest checking out this post for some very inspirational photo instructions being performed by my mother.

Ignorance = bliss

I used to revel in the fact that I was smarter than my brothers.

I remember, very clearly, laughing to myself while upstairs in my room reading, because my older brother was downstairs filling his brain with nonsense video games. Me, just upstairs getting all knowledgeable and shit. This brought great joy into my life.

I was also brought a bit of sorrow when I thought about how I would probably have to support him financially and/or spiritually as we got older. Me probably working two jobs as a result of my smart brain, and him creating his 800th Sims mansion most likely.

Well, as it turns out, my older brother is in fact a super genius and it also turns out the internet and technology is kind of a big thing, and those countless hours of Counterstrike and years of LAN parties (what the fuck you guys) set him up for a great deal of success in his adult life.

However, one thing that I will be able to hang over his head until the end of time is the instance where we set my bed on fire (gypsy role playing accident) and I was the one with enough wits about me to inform the adults that my beloved kitten duvet cover was being engulfed in flames. He, at the time, stood there stuttering because he was too polite and too scared to interrupt my parents who were in the middle of a conversation. He also had a mullet. So what I think we can take away from this is the fact that in that moment in time I was smart and he was dumb and I basically saved all of our lives that evening.

As for my younger, well I was just smarter than him by default. Because that's how that works right? Just kidding Brenty. You're a fucking genius with Instagram. Seriously though, he has hundreds of followers.

Want to know how to make sugar cookies? I'm a wiz at transitioning topics.

This is the only sugar cookie recipe I use because it was created by angels in heaven. That is a slight exaggeration but I am not exaggerating when I tell you the dough MUST be refrigerated overnight. As a Grade A procrastinator, you should know that I have tried to get around this many times only to fail miserably, get pissed, and immediately go turn on the TV where I take out my anger on an innocent Real Housewife.

You probably will not notice that the amount of baking powder is slightly less than most other recipes, and this is because it helps maintain the shape of the cookies once they've been cut.  I also try to put the baking sheet in the fridge for 5 to 10 minutes before going into the oven because it helps them keep their shape and I also like to draw out this process as long as possible apparently.

My Favorite Sugar Cookies
Adapted from AllRecipes
Makes 24 cookies

Ingredients
3/4 cup unsalted butter
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt

1. In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Stir in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Cover with plastic wrap and chill in the fridge for 24 hours <-- important

2. Preheat oven to 400F. Roll out dough on floured surface 1/4- to 1/2-inch thick. Cut into shapes with cookie cutter. Place cookies 1-inch apart on parchment-lined sheet.

3. Bake 5 to 6 minutes. Cool completely.

This is what networking looks like.

I would like to interrupt my daily program of posting nothing to present you with my roommate's new blog, Neon Doves. Click through for a healthy dose of debauchery, fashion, and real talk. She is master of the abbrev lang and excels at the art of pairing apparel.

My baking addiction is comparable to her clothing addiction. One of these addictions is much healthier for the general appearance of one's self, while the other is much better for the bank account.

Anywho, go check her out. Feel inspired by her clothing. Feel exhilarated at the way she puts together her outfits. Feel bad about yourself because nothing you have in your own closet is remotely as cute as what is featured on her blog. Just make sure to come back, ok?

www.neondoves.com

pb&j for the people.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I bake things that I know only I will consume for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? And snack. And snack #2. And snack at 3am on Saturday night. And also why do I continually swallow the stickers that come on apples?  Which just now happened for like the fourth time this week.

A coworker of mine brought a bar like this into work the other day and I flipped because why in the hell haven't I thought of that before? Pb&j's are my JAM, literally. I immediately asked google how to make these and found a recipe that combines the perfect ratio of peanut butter: jam. While looking, I was really enjoying the comments I came across about how easy it is to get kids to eat these bars and how they were a hit at my son's daycare! Well, obviously they were a hit. They are made of butter and sugar. Did you serve them with mountain dew as well?

Ah, I know. I have no idea how hard it is to take care of children and get them to consume nutritious food, let alone any food at all sometimes. But until I do have kids I am going to continue living in a dreamland where I believe I will only serve them fresh, local vegetables in their BPA-free glass food containers that never go anywhere near the microwave. They will also eat organic carrot sticks instead of French fries and will fold the laundry for me with their little baby hands and won't ever have snot running out of their nose. What?

On the real though, plastic tupperware really isn't chill. Whenever I heat something up I can taste the plastic that has leached into my food, which scares me but apparently not enough to get me to stop using shitty food containers. Kind of like how my doctor tells me to I shouldn't drink vodka and redbull because my heart is going to explode and how if I don't stop taking Advil on an empty stomach I'm going to thoroughly destroy my stomach lining <--- two things that continue to happen on the reg. One of which is a product of the other and therefore can't be controlled.

Back to the issue at hand. And really, they are an issue because you are looking at a dense, peanut butter base, sweet strawberry jam, and crumbles of peanut butter with salted peanuts on top. You're welcome and I'm sorry.

Peanut Butter & Jelly Bars

Martha Stewart

Ingredients

2 sticks butter, softened

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

2 eggs

2 1/2 cups creamy peanut butter

1 1/2 tsp. salt

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups jam (I used strawberry...grape would also be bomb)

1 cup peanuts

Directions
Preheat oven to 350F.

Grease a 9 x 13 baking pan.

Cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Add eggs and peanut butter until combined, about 2 minutes. Whisk together dry ingredients, adding to the butter mixture until just combined. Add vanilla.

Transfer two-thirds of the mixture into the baking dish, spreading evenly. Top with jam and spread to coat peanut butter mixture. Crumble remaining peanut butter mix on top. Sprinkle peanuts on top.

Bake until golden brown, about 45 minutes. Allow to cool for a few hours before cutting.

Confessions like Usher

Confession 1: I watch Judge Judy. I am a Judge Judy fan through and through and I will never deny it nor will I ever turn my back on her. Nor will I ever watch it without sitting, eating dinner in the dark in true white trash form. It wouldn't be implausible to think I tune in to get my fix of run-of-the-mill drug scandals or perhaps for some good old fashioned domestic disputes, but in reality it's because I take great enjoyment in listening to Americans butcher the English language. Favorite line to date: "I borrowed him the money."

I heard Judge Judy makes some ridiculous amount of money, like $50 million dollars a year, which makes me a little mad and also a little happy.

Confession 2: To me, Catfish on MTV is the ultimate. I have yet to decide if my enjoyment stems from Nev's face or the fact that I feel smarter than 100% 95% of the people on the show. I am very good at predicting what is going to happen and, in my humble opinion, excel at giving them advice from my couch.

"No! Don't knock on the door! I can promise you it's not going to be that hot chick you've been talking to, it's going to be a man! Oh my god it's a man."

Confession 3: Please know that I agonized whether or not to broadcast this on the internet. However, I pushed all better judgement aside because it's really just too good. You're welcome.

A couple weekends ago, in an attempt to do something honorable and philanthropic, I donated some cookies to my friend's nonprofit organization that helps children in Narobi, Kenya, for a fundraiser. But instead of, I don't know, doing a quick Google search for the flag of Narobi, I decided instead to just tap into my trusty memory, which resulted in me decorating them to look like the South African flag. I then proceeded to send them on their merry little way to the fundraiser so the entire world could get a good laugh at my expense. Gooooo team South Africa?

Also, I just now remember that while in Thailand my roommate and I met some very nice South Africans, one of which gave her some unrecognizable pills to help with cramps after he claimed to be a doctor. We were in a really rundown apartment near the bathrooms at the full moon party. This should probably be confession #4 because it's one of the stupider things we did in Thailand (sike). But I feel ok talking about it because she didn't die.

Mom if you're reading this I'm totes just kidding?

Things from my brain.

1. I walked out of Target the other day without having bought anything I didn't truly need, and I challenge anyone to come up with a bigger accomplishment than that.

2. You know when you're so hungover you literally can't stand up straight? And sometimes you can't see? That's the worst.

3. Nights out are super fun. But what's even more fun than the night out is the next morning with your girlfriends when you're talking about the night. And maybe jamming to some Backstreet Boys while you uncover forgotten pictures on your phone of you and your roommate shoving doughnuts in your face at 7-Eleven with a 3am timestamp. I'm pretty sure that's technically stealing but at a certain point it's like, are you really gonna arrest the disabled?

4. Yesterday I put my phone in the freezer and it was a good 10 minutes before I realized what I had done.

5. If I could bring anything back, it would be an excruciating decision between the show Are You Afraid of the Dark? and The Oregon Trail on those super old school Apple computers.

6. You know those people that are magical at convincing you the most idiotic things are the best idea in the world somehow? Like they could probably get you to cut off your own arm if they really wanted you to. My older brother is one of those. And it is to him I owe all of the weekday hangovers I have suffered.

7. I've come to the conclusion that the American language sucks. In the UK they get to say things like lovely, and mate, and holiday instead of vacation. But wait! my British friend said. You guys get to say stoked, douchebag, and gee whiz. Sweet.

8. Yesterday was National Peanut Butter Day. Ummmmm shut up.

To be honest, I wasn't planning to ever share this recipe on here. It's my favorite, and I feel it's my claim to fame, if ever I had a claim to fame. But I feel I wasn't truly prepared for a holiday as massively important as this one so I need to make up for my wrongdoings somehow. Therefore, you are about to be graced with a recipe for the chewiest, most flavorful, BEST cookies in the world. I could go on and on about these but I'm almost getting depressed thinking about them right now because I don't have any.

Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookies
Makes 44 sandwich cookies

Ingredients
Cookies
1 cup butter-flavored shortening
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
3 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt

Filling
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
3 cups confectioners sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
5 to 6 tbl. milk

Preheat oven to 375F.

1. In a large bowl, cream the shortening, peanut butter, and sugars until light and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; add to creamed mixture and mix well.

2. Shape into balls and place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet. Flatten to 3/8-inch thickness with fork. Bake at 375F for 7 minutes or until golden. Place on wire rack to cool.

3. For filling, in a large bowl, beat the peanut butter, confectioners' sugar, vanilla, and enough milk to achieve spreading consistency. Spread on half of the cookies and top each with another cookie.

A not-so-secret secret: I use a melon scoop to measure out the dough for these so that each side is even. Without symmetry you have nothing! I just made that up.

Sometimes you just gotta say phuket and go to Thailand.

You know that really depressing feeling that washes over you the day after Christmas? There is such a buildup to the holidays, and then on the 26th you're sitting at your desk thinking how did that happen? Kind of like when you make out with a 22-year old in the middle of the bar and in the morning you're like how did that happen? Only different.

A couple friends and I decided we didn't want to feel those sad feelings this year, so we went to Thailand. Seemed reasonable.

So what happens when you and two girlfriends go on a three-week hiatus in a foreign country?

Well, for one, an insane amount of warm-weather lounging happens. Late-night parties in the jungle followed by mornings on the beach to watch the sun rise happen. Awesome people with accents in your general vicinity happen. Dangerous taxi rides happen.

An appalling amount of food happens. Food so cheap that you get in the habit of ordering ohhh, 3 entrees each just because you feel like eating phad thai, coconut curry, and spaghetti with coco pops on the side.

Hour-long massages for $10 also happen every morning, and buckets filled with vodka and red bull happen every night. Red bull that may or may not contain amphetamines because it's not regulated. Jk. Not.

The yearn to travel more happens, and that's when you have to look at your bank account to get your head right again.

Also, jet lag happens. A lot of it. I like to think of myself as someone that's really good at sleep, like it's kind of a skill of mine. I pride myself on my ability to fall asleep almost immediately without the use of Ambien or C-SPAN, so these past few days have really been the opposite of cool. I found myself organizing one of the drawers in the kitchen at 4am the other morning and that's when I put the can opener down and slowly walked back to my bed, ashamed. My roommate is also having difficulty acclimating, so we've been hanging out a lot in the middle of the night. You know, eating yogurt parfaits and stuff.

Yogurt parfaits and the occasional cookie. I meant to post these raspberry cookies before Christmas because they are incredibly festive, but I got caught up with the holidays. Translation: I got caught up with hot toddies and beer and out-of-towner friends at the bar.

But I just love these guys and you should too.

 A coworker of mine declared them as her favorite thing I've ever made.

What about my peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, though? I asked her.

No, I like these better.

But don't you like my peanut butter stuffed fudge cupcakes more than these? 

No, these are my favorite. 

ok. I will humbly take this as a reminder that others don't have the same dependency issues with peanut butter as I do. Which reminds me ---> NO PEANUT BUTTER IN THAILAND. What in the actual fuck?

White Chocolate Raspberry Slice Cookies

Ingredients
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup raspberry jam
6 oz. white chocolate chips, melted

Preheat oven to 350F.

Beat butter and sugar in mixer until smooth. Add vanilla and mix. Add flour and beat until dough comes together.

Divide dough into three pieces and roll each piece into a 9''-long rope.  Place ropes 3 inches apart on parchment-lined baking sheet.

Press your finger into dough at 1'' intervals to make 1/2''-wide indentations. Spoon 1/4 tsp. jam into each indentation (sometimes I fill a ziploc with the jam and squeeze into each indentation to speed up the process).

Bake for 10 minutes. Let cool on baking sheet.

Drizzle with white chocolate. Once cool, cut ropes diagonally into slices.

Merry Christmas, fuckers.

I wonder if there will ever be a holiday that I wake up feeling great. Having the day off work, and therefore an entire night to dedicate to fireball, prevents this from ever happening. It's rude.

I have just accepted it as a part of life, a tradition if you will.

Are you judging me in your head right now? I have other traditions too! My little brother used to come sleep in my bed on Christmas Eve every year. Excitement would usually wake us up around 5 in the morning and would prompt us to talk in hushed voices about what we thought Santa brought us. For him, usually a gameboy or nintendo. For me, generally peace on earth. Jk. I always wanted barbies. This ritual died a few years ago when he got a girlfriend and told me he was scared he was going to start spooning me on accident in the middle of the night, thinking I was her. He is a terrible sleeper anyway. He sweats a lot and flails his legs about. But he is also obsessed with taking pictures of bugs on flowers and used to have a belt when he was younger that he thought made him run faster, so I think it's safe to say he is a really rad human.

One not-so-cool thing about him is that he couldn't care less about baked goods. So while I'm shoveling my face with almond toffee crunch cookies, he's generally sitting there. Not eating any.

Almond Toffee Crunch Cookies
Adapted from AllRecipes 

Ingredients
35 saltines
1 cup butter
1 cup light brown sugar
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 1/2 cup milk chocolate chips
1 cup blanched slivered almonds

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cover a sided cookie sheet with aluminum foil and line crackers on foil.
2. Combine butter and brown sugar in a saucepan. Stirring constantly, bring to a boil for 3 minutes. Pour over crackers completely.
3. Bake for 5 to 6 minutes. Remove cookie sheet from oven, place it on oven door and sprinkle chocolate chips over baked crackers. When chocolate get soft, spread over crackers with back of spoon.
4. Sprinkle almonds on melted chocolate. Place in refrigerator for at least 8 hours. Break into cookie-size pieces.

It took me a while to think about what to call these things. They are like toffee, and cracker, and cookie, and candy combined into one. So basically I could call them HEAVEN but instead we will call them almond toffee crunch cookies.

Put them in an old tea tin and give them as a gift. Oh you actually have money to spend on presents? Nevermind.

Real talk.

Let's talk about things I'm bad at.

I'm really bad at losing. I'm a terrible sport and it's best not to be anywhere near me when I'm losing at Scrabble, blackjack, or Mario Kart. I made a scene when my team lost the beer olympics at our most recent cabin trip, but I'm almost positive the other team was cheating. Omg see? I can't even control myself.

I'm bad at being on time pretty much anywhere. Tell me to be to your place by 6:00 and I'll be there by 6:30. Tell me to be there by 5:30 because you know me and I'll be there at 6:30. I know, it doesn't even make sense. I've been this way forever and it's not because I view my time as more valuable than yours, it's just because I'm wired this way. Yeah that's it, I'm blaming it on genetics.

I'm terrible at blogging frequently. How do others do it? And does their strategy involve cocaine or maybe crack?

I'm bad at trivia. Really incredibly bad at trivia. I don't think of myself as a dumb individual but I do when I attend trivia night. I contribute absolutely nothing to the group except maybe help with the team name at the start. Boy does that activity do a number on my ego. Then I go home and watch Jersey Shore and feel smart again.

And because it's only fair, now let's talk about things I'm good at.

I'm really good at singing in the car. Holy shit I sound so good! If anyone heard me singing I imagine they would say something like, have you auditioned for American Idol yet? My harmonizing is top notch. No but really, why does my voice sound so much better in the car? Please don't ever ask me to sing, because I'm actually terrible.

I'm so weirdly good at parallel parking. Not so good at driving in general.

I'm good at making Christmas lists for myself because I'm a huge brat. These lists take a lot of time and are very detailed and some say I ruin the surprise. I say I win at the game of Christmas. I'm also good at pretending these lists are the most important things to ever grace my parent's inbox. IT'S THE DAY YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! was the subject of my Christmas list email this year. My mom thought I was super jazzed about election day because I sent it November 6. Nope, we have much more pressing topics to address here, mother. 

I am really good at eating really fast. By the time my parents are finishing their salads I'm already eyeing dessert. This particular point probably could have been placed in the bad category because some would say perhaps I don't savor my food but I prefer to view it as a positive. You know, in case I ever find myself in the middle of an eating competition.

I'm good at making this dessert. Partly because I've made it so many times and partly because it's crazy simple. 

This is one of those recipes that when you have people coming over and you're like oh em gee what should I give these people to eat?, you make these raspberry bars. They are quick, obviously delicious, and are best served alongside ice cream. Forget actual nourishment, just feed them these. Ok maybe you should make them dinner too. Top ramen?

Raspberry Streusel Bars

Ingredients
1 1/4 cup quick oats, uncooked
1 1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1 tsp. baking baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/4 sticks butter, melted
1 C. raspberry preserves
3/4 C. white chocolate chips, divided
1/4 to 1/2 C. toasted chopped almonds

Preheat oven to 350F.

Combine oats, flour, brown sugar, baking powder and salt in bowl. Melt butter in microwave in a large bowl. Add oat mixture to butter and combine with fork until mixed and crumbly. Set aside 1 cup crumb mixture.

Press remaining crumb mix onto bottom of an 8-inch square pan sprayed lightly with cooking spray. Bake 10 minutes. Spread raspberry jam evenly over baked crust to within 1/4 inch of edges.  Sprinkle 1/2 cup white chocolate chips.

Combine reserved crumb mixture, remaining 1/4-cup white chocolate chips and chopped almonds. Sprinkle over fruit mixture, pressing lightly into fruit. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until golden brown. Cool completely on wire rack (this takes a while before it's solid enough to cut without making a huge mess, usually a couple hours). Cut into squares to serve.

Would you like some caramel with your butter?

What do you get when you add four sticks of butter to a bowl full of sugar, milk, and caramel?

It looks a little something like this:

That sounded like a build up to a joke, but instead it is just an uncreative start to a blog post.

Please don't ask me why I felt it was necessary to add an entire box of butter to something then feed it to my coworkers, because there is really no good reason except that Paula Deen says it's ok. This isn't her recipe but I know she would like it.

For some reason I was just thinking that Paula Deen was maybe dead? A quick google search revealed that no, she just has type 2 diabetes. All is well.

Back to the butter.

It truly doesn't get much better than a crumbly shortbread topping, gooey salted caramel center and mini chocolate chips. The only thing that may be greater is that new docudrama on MTV that follows people as they meet their online boyfriends for the first time, who usually end up being overweight men living in trailers instead of young body builders. Quite possibly the most entertaining part of all this though isn't the unveiling, but the fact that these girls are actually surprised. Really?

These bars are rich. They taste like butter and they smell like butter and I ate one for breakfast. These are what I like to call a vegan's worst nightmare.

Something that I don't enjoy is substituting healthy alternatives in baked goods even though it's all the rage right now. Have you seen that chart of healthy baking substitutions that's been making it's way around the interwebs yet? Apple sauce instead of sugar? What is that shit? My take on this is simple: Using greek yogurt instead of oil to make your cream cheese pound cake makes you a moron.

I am also offended by the sugar-free items in the baking aisle that think they can just sit next to the real people items like it's nbd. I almost bought sugar-free graham crackers on accident the other day and I literally said "fuck you" out loud right next to the butterscotch chips and children when I realized my mistake. Things like this belong in their own store, and that store is called the trash can.

Salted Caramel Butter Bars
Adapted from Cookies & Cups

For the crust: 
1 lb. salted butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
2 tbs. vanilla
4 cups all-purpose flour

For the filling:
1 bag caramel candies, unwrapped
1/3 cup milk or cream
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 tbs. sea salt

In a large bowl, combine the butter and sugars. Using mixer on medium speed, beat together until creamy. Add the vanilla and beat until combined. Sift the flour into the butter mixture and beat on low speed until a smooth soft dough forms.

Spray a 9x13-inch baking pan lightly with nonstick cooking spray. Press one-third of the dough evenly onto the pan to form a bottom crust, and place the remainder of the dough in the fridge to chill.

Preheat oven to 325F.

Bake until firm and edges are a pale golden brown, approximately 20 minutes. Transfer pan to a wire rack and let cool about 15 minutes.

While the bottom crust is baking and the remaining dough is chilling, make the caramel filling. Place the unwrapped caramels in a microwave-safe bowl. Add the cream and vanilla. Microwave on high for 1 minute. Remove from the microwave and stir until smooth. If caramels are not completely melted, microwave on high for 30-second intervals, stirring after each interval, until smooth.

Pour the caramel filling over the crust. Sprinkle salt on top.

Remove the remaining chilled dough from the refrigerator and crumble it evenly over the caramel. Return the pan to the oven and bake until the filling is bubbly and the crumbled shortbread topping is firm and lightly golden, about 30 minutes. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top. Let cool before cutting into squares.

So let's embrace these, my friends. Let's embrace the fact that each square contains a tablespoon of butter. Pretend I didn't just tell you that.

A cookie recipe for the baking challenged or maybe even an infant.

I'm going to do you a favor.

First, I'm going to inform you that Bartell's frowns upon the act of unwrapping multiple lipsticks and testing them before setting them down and walking away. They really don't like it and they will even sic a really scary security guard on you when you are trying to leave. Then you will get a picture taken under unflattering fluorescent lighting in the secret back room, and they also don't like it when you joke about looking good because, well, you just found the perfect shade of berry-colored lipstick. They will also try scaring you into believing you can't enter another Bartell's for a year but aha! That is a lie. Because I tested it myself.

Second, I'm going to give you the most fool-proof cookie recipe that is going to be your permanent go-to, so you're welcome. Some of my friends tell me they are terrible at baking. They say nothing ever turns out as planned and then I will be over at their house watching them make cookies and they start throwing random amounts of flour and sugar and baking soda into a bowl and are confused when they come out spread across the pan in one giant clump. "how much flour did you put in there?" "oh i don't know, i like to just eyeball it." Ok then. Interesting tactic.

So these classic chocolate cookies are easy. They are easy so long as you follow the recipe, which apparently is a novel concept. And I bet you even have all the ingredients in your pantry already.

Classic Chocolate Cookies
Recipe from my homegirl Martha Stewart

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups sugar + some for dipping
2 eggs
2 tsp pure vanilla extract

Sift together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter, 2 cups sugar and eggs on medium speed until light and fluffy, about two minutes. Add vanilla and mix to combine. Gradually add dry ingredients and combine with mixer on low speed. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and chill until dough is firm, about one hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper. Roll dough into 1-inch balls. Dip top of each ball into sugar. Place on prepared baking sheets about 1 1/2 inches apart. Flatten balls just a TINY bit. Bake until set, about 7 minutes. Cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Soft, chewy chocolate cookies...is there anything better? Friday.

Friday is better.

A really boozy sunday.

I almost threw up multiple times while making this cake.

Poor planning found me in the kitchen Sunday morning baking a cake for a whiskey-themed dinner party after a night out at a whiskey bar. Not advised. In fact, strongly discouraged.

None of the whiskey cake recipes online really did it for me, so I kind of pieced togeth my own like a G. I poured a whiskey glaze over two layers of yellow whiskey cake, stacked them together, and covered them in a toffee buttercream frosting. Please know that I felt so badass pouring Southern Comfort into the stand mixer of my kitchen aid. I was having an identity crisis between a rebellious teen and a perpetually drunk mom on Intervention.

I'm not much of a whiskey drinker. If I am drinking it, it's because I think I look cool. I can get down with this cake, though. It's moist (moist is your favorite word, right?) and has a good, strong flavor. The toffee buttercream makes it incredibly rich, but I think it pairs perfectly with the other flavors.

Sooo I got drunk off this cake. Really, though. Most of the whiskey is in the glaze, which doesn't get cooked off, so hello there cup of whiskey. Something I would not do is recommend this cake post-breakup. That would mean you would probably eat the entire thing and then as a result be shitfaced.

Whiskey Cake with Toffee Buttercream

Ingredients
1 box yellow cake mix
1 small box vanilla pudding mix
4 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup milk
1/8 cup whiskey
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

1/4 cup butter
3/4 cups whiskey
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 cup chopped walnuts

1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/3 cup milk
2 cups powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350F.

For the cake: Add cake mix, pudding mix, eggs, vegetable oil, milk, and whiskey to the bowl of a stand mixer. Beat for 5 minutes on medium speed. Add the walnuts and beat for another minute. The batter will be thick.  Pour batter into two greased 8'' cake pans. Bake for about 35 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean.

For the glaze: Melt the 1/4 cup butter in a large bowl. Add the whiskey and powdered sugar. Whisk until smooth. Poke holes all over the cake and pour the glaze all over both layers of cake. I poured some over the top, spooned it to cover the entire top and let it soak in. Repeat this until the glaze is gone.

For the frosting: Heat brown sugar, butter, and milk in a heavy bottom pot and bring to a boil, stirring constantly for two minutes. Remove from heat and cool for 30 minutes. Add powdered sugar and blend until smooth. Ice cake immediately. This frosting does set up rather quickly, so don't be slow! Hurry up and frost that sucker. Sprinkle chopped walnuts on top.

I rarely bake cakes myself, but I have obviously seen every episode of Amazing Wedding Cakes and Ace of Cakes, so the expectations of how this was going to look cosmetically were a little high. They slowly decreased as I went along and at one point any expectations at all were entirely non-existent. But hey, the rough edges and rustic nature make it look like it would fit in with some cowboys. In fact I'm pretty sure they were eating this exact cake in True Grit. Not positive though.

A biscotti recipe that actually tastes good.

Ok, I know what you're thinking. "Really, Maddie? Is that the best you can do? A biscotti?" But don't be so quick to judge, my friends. Just as hideous fur boots have a place on the legs of underage girls at raves, biscottis have a place in life, too. I personally guarantee that if you pair one of these bad boys with your morning coffee the capacity of your daily happiness will increase by at least 26%. It helps if it's a Friday.

So I can't take full credit for these, because it's actually my mom who found this recipe and modified it in order to get it just right. But I'm going to pretend it's my own, because that's what daughters do. Kind of like when she makes a gourmet meal and I try to pass it off as my own work, when in fact all I did was toss the salad. "You're welcome everyone. Really, it's no big deal. The braised lamb and roasted butternut squash rissoto practically made itself!" What, your mom doesn't allow that? Well mine also packed my lunch for work in an honest-to-god lunchbox every day when I lived with my parents after college and still occasionally makes my dentist appointments for me.

The beauty of the biscotti is that you can add whatever you like to it. Dried mango, pistachios, chocolate, whatevaaa. The ones I made have craisins, orange zest, almonds, and white chocolate. It's surprising that I even like them, considering they are hard and to me hard cookies are pretty much comparable to satan, but the fact that it's acceptable to eat them early in the morning increases the allure.

So. Are you ready to go on a biscotti adventure?

White Chocolate Almond Biscotti

Ingredients
1 3/4 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, melted
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
1 cup unsalted roasted almonds, chopped
1 cup Craisins
Zest of small orange
1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350F

2. In a bowl, sift together flour and baking powder.

3. In another bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, butter, vanilla, almond extract, and orange zest. Stir into flour mixture until a soft, sticky dough forms. Add chopped almonds and Craisins to dough.

4. Transfer to a lightly floured surface. Form into a smooth ball.

5. Divide dough in half. Roll out the dough into a 12-inch log.

This is my hand model. Look at that nail polish color! And those nail beds! Just exquisite.

6. Transfer to an ungreased baking sheet. Form dough into a rectangle.

7. Bake for 20 minutes. Turn oven down to 325F.

8. Using a serrated knife, cut into 3/4-inch thick slices.

9. Stand biscottis upright (on cut sides).

10. Bake for 12 minutes. Take them out, turn each biscotti over on the other side, and bake for another 12 minutes. Allow to cool.

11. Put white chocolate chips in a ziploc bag and melt in the microwave for about a minute and a half at 20-second intervals. Are you scared this is going to give you cancer? It probably is. When smooth, cut a hole at the end, pipe the chocolate on top of each biscotti and spread with a knife. And you're done!

Biscottis are not the prettiest things to photograph, but I think we can all agree the coffee cups I painted are pretty much the most beautiful things on earth. Usually I am sarcastic so you are probably confused right now, like, is she being serious? and I am being completely serious. I feel so incredibly cool when I drink out of those like whoooaaa.

Things that bring me an unsurpassable amount of joy.

The free popcorn at Les Schwab.

Hearing my dad say "that was SICK!" with all the fervor of a 16-year-old boy. A 16-year-old boy in 2004.

That unspoken mutual agreement that passes between me and my roommate when someone knocks on our door on a Sunday. The silent agreement that neither of us will be getting up from the couch to answer the door. The chances of it being Mormons or a kid trying to sell shit far outweigh the chances that it's someone we actually like.

The shitload of new emoji's that came with the new iPhone update. Words are now completely unnecessary and way overrated in terms of communication.

Waking up on a Tuesday only to realize it's actually Friday. On the reverse, there is probably nothing worse than waking up on a Saturday only to realize it's Monday.

When guys wear white sunglasses LOL JK.

Peanut butter frozen yogurt from Menchies. 'Tis the perfect vehicle for crumbled reese's, peanuts, and warm peanut butter drizzled on top. No, this post is not sponsored by Jiff.

The fact that illustrator Lisa Congdon didn't start painting until she was in her 30s. I'M NOT TOO OLD TO BE SOMEONE!

When I leave for work with a messy house and come home to a spotless house just because my roommate decided to clean. This has never happened but I imagine it would be quite nice.

The myfriendsaremarried tumblr.

The party bus that took me and my friends to a club this weekend. By party bus I mean neighborhood shuttle and by club I mean small casino in Cle Elum that usually serves around six locals. True story.

Seeing parents genuinely enjoying their young children while in public. Creep factor high on this one in regards to me. Hide yo children hide yo wife.

A salted caramel frosting recipe that doesn't involve a candy thermometer. This isn't because I have anything against thermometers, but more because I broke mine trying to make caramel last time. Science, man.

Salted caramel is all the rage these days, and for good reason. This frosting turns out light and fluffy with an incredible slightly bitter caramel taste. I like pairing it with dark chocolate cake, but it would also be great with vanilla.

Dark Chocolate & Salted Caramel Cupcakes
Adapted from Chow
Makes 24 cupcakes

Use your favorite dark chocolate cake recipe. This one is mine. Then top with this frosting:

Salted Caramel Frosting
1/2 cup sugar
4 tbl water
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tsp. vanilla extract
12 tbl (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
3 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tsp fine salt

1. Briefly stir together sugar and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Continue cooking, without stirring, until mixture turns a dark amber color, about 8-12 minutes.

2. Remove from heat and slowly add in cream and vanilla, stirring with a wooden spoon until completely smooth. Set aside until cool to the touch, about 25 minutes. If you want to drizzle some caramel on top of the cupcakes like I did, reserve a little caramel in a separate container for later.

3. Combine butter and salt in a bowl of a stand mixture fitted with the paddle attachment and beat on medium-high speed until light in color and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce speed to low, add powdered sugar, and mix until completely incorporated.

4. Turn mixture off and scrape down the sides of the bowl, then add caramel. Beat frosting on medium-high speed until airy and thoroughly mixed, about two minutes. Use immediately or cover and refrigerate up to five days.

Pumpkin spice lattes ain't got shit on these.

Does anyone else ever wonder how Ellen Degeneres is able to watch so much reality tv in addition to hosting her own show and being fucking awesome?

I'm thinking she doesn't sleep. That or she has someone on her staff filling her in on what is happening with the most influential members of our society including Amber Portwood, Emily Maynard, and Spencer Pratt. But that would be cheating, and something tells me my girl Ellen isn't a cheater. In any case, I admire her proven dedication and genuine interest in all things reality. It allows us to connect on a spiritual level. This is me talking as if we are besties.

I, on the other hand, have fallen behind on nearly all of my shows and it's almost as if my soul has been ripped from my very own body because reality tv is essentially my identity. My purpose in life. I'm ashamed to admit I don't know what's going on with So You Think You Can Dance, I have yet to see any episodes of the Real Housewives of Miami, and I'm not even sure if Kourtney Kardashian birthed her second child yet. It would be cool to tell you I've been too busy with work, or cleaning out my basement, or maybe doing good things for the community, but mostly I've just been drinking. Not alone, don't worry.

But luckily fall is upon us. In addition to honeycrisp apples, tailgating, and the sight of school supplies in stores, fall is my favorite season because it means I can partake in an excessive amount of tv watching without the guilt I feel during the summer. It's actually still been pretty nice out around here but I'm just going to ignore that.

Fall is also the best season because we get to go buckwild with pumpkin.

Pumpkin spice cupcakes, to be exact. You are quite possibly already sick of the words "pumpkin spice" due to the onsalught of facebook statuses written by girls confessing their love for pumpkin spice lattes that are currently clogging your mini feed.

This is my roommate posing in a pretty unnatural position. At this exact moment she was saying, "can I be done yet?"

Please enjoy the nerdy pumpkin cupcake liners. These are often mistaken for apples, which upsets me probably more than it should. I snuck these in my mom's cart one day when we were shopping because I'm 4 years old.

Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes w/ Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting
Adapted from Taste of Home
Makes 24 cupcakes

Cupcake Ingredients
3/4 cup butter, softened
2 1/4 cups sugar
3 eggs
1 can (15-oz) solid-pack pumpkin
2 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbl. pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
3/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 cup buttermilk

Preheat oven to 350F.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add pumpkin. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the flour, pie spice, baking powder, cinnamon, salt, baking soda, ginger, and nutmeg. Add to the creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating well after each addition.

Fill paper-lined muffin cups three-fourths full. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.

Frosting Ingredients
1 package (8-oz) cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup butter, softened
3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 tsp. ground cinnamon

Beat cream cheese and butter until fluffy. Add the confectioners sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. Beat until smooth. Frost cupcakes.

The second-best candy bar there is.

Upon getting my driver's license when I was 16, my dad told me I would never forget my first ride as the driver behind the wheel. That he still remembers where he took his friends, and how it's a milestone in every young person's life that they always remember.

Well, my memory is comparable to that of a goldfish, so I actually don't remember where I went. But I'm sure it was somewhere very important, full of Mariah Carey and mature conversations. If I had to put money on it, I would guess 7/11 or perhaps the mall to partake in some serious nothing. Going to the mall for the sake of just being at the mall literally sounds like the worst thing in the entire world.

However, one moment I will never, EVER forget is the time I took my first bite of a Snickers ice cream bar. I was 14, wearing pink leggings and an Old Navy tech vest, and had just murdered my brother's high score on the pogo stick. I ate four of them that day.

Snickers isn't even my favorite candy bar (Reese's is, duh), so it's all very confusing. But I've come to the conclusion that they put crack in those bars. Addiction is real, players. So is obesity.

If you have never had a Snickers ice cream bar, stop watching The Voice right now and go get one. And shame on you. If you can do one thing for yourself this year it's eat one of those. When you've completed this task, then make these homemade Snickers, because they are nearly as good. I'm even going to come out with the bold statement that they are better than regular Snickers. It could have something to do with the fact that peanut butter is added to basically every layer.

After I made these I realized they are gluten free. Can I get a hell yeah?? This doesn't really affect me because I practically bathe in gluten, but one of my friends can never eat anything I make because, well, I'm an asshole and bring over muffins and cookies and cupcakes when we get together. Or sometimes I do take her gluten allergy into consideration and bring over things like peanut butter pretzel bites only to realize I'm a huge moron. Because yeah, pretzels.

Homemade Snickers Bars
recipe from Brown Eyed Baker

Bottom Chocolate Layer
1 1/4 cup milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup peanut butter

Thouroughly grease a 9x13-inch baking pan. Melt together the chocolate chips and peanut butter in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds, until completely smooth and melted.  Pour into prepared baking dish and smooth into an even layer. Refrigerate until completely cool and hard.

Nougat Layer
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1 1/2 cups marshmallow fluff
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1 1/2 cups salted peanut, roughly chopped
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Add the sugar and evaporated milk, stirring until dissolved, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove the pan from heat and add the marshmallow fluff, peanut butter, and vanilla extract, stirring until completely smooth. Fold in the peanuts, then pour over the bottom layer. Refrigerate until cool.



Caramel Layer
14-oz bag of caramels, unwrapped
1/4 cup heavy cream
Combine the caramels and the heavy cream in a small saucepan over low heat. Melt, stirring occasionally, until smooth. Once completely melted, cook for an additional 4 minutes, stirring frequently. Pour the caramel over the nougat layer. Refrigerate until completely cool, about 30 minutes.

Top Chocolate Layer
1 1/4 cups milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
Melt together the chocolate chips and peanut butter in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds, until completely smooth and melted. Pour over the caramel layer and smooth into an even layer. Refrigerate until completely cool, about an hour.

Cut bars into pieces and store in refrigerator.