A biscotti recipe that actually tastes good.

Ok, I know what you're thinking. "Really, Maddie? Is that the best you can do? A biscotti?" But don't be so quick to judge, my friends. Just as hideous fur boots have a place on the legs of underage girls at raves, biscottis have a place in life, too. I personally guarantee that if you pair one of these bad boys with your morning coffee the capacity of your daily happiness will increase by at least 26%. It helps if it's a Friday.

So I can't take full credit for these, because it's actually my mom who found this recipe and modified it in order to get it just right. But I'm going to pretend it's my own, because that's what daughters do. Kind of like when she makes a gourmet meal and I try to pass it off as my own work, when in fact all I did was toss the salad. "You're welcome everyone. Really, it's no big deal. The braised lamb and roasted butternut squash rissoto practically made itself!" What, your mom doesn't allow that? Well mine also packed my lunch for work in an honest-to-god lunchbox every day when I lived with my parents after college and still occasionally makes my dentist appointments for me.

The beauty of the biscotti is that you can add whatever you like to it. Dried mango, pistachios, chocolate, whatevaaa. The ones I made have craisins, orange zest, almonds, and white chocolate. It's surprising that I even like them, considering they are hard and to me hard cookies are pretty much comparable to satan, but the fact that it's acceptable to eat them early in the morning increases the allure.

So. Are you ready to go on a biscotti adventure?

White Chocolate Almond Biscotti

Ingredients
1 3/4 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, melted
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
1 cup unsalted roasted almonds, chopped
1 cup Craisins
Zest of small orange
1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350F

2. In a bowl, sift together flour and baking powder.

3. In another bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, butter, vanilla, almond extract, and orange zest. Stir into flour mixture until a soft, sticky dough forms. Add chopped almonds and Craisins to dough.

4. Transfer to a lightly floured surface. Form into a smooth ball.

5. Divide dough in half. Roll out the dough into a 12-inch log.

This is my hand model. Look at that nail polish color! And those nail beds! Just exquisite.

6. Transfer to an ungreased baking sheet. Form dough into a rectangle.

7. Bake for 20 minutes. Turn oven down to 325F.

8. Using a serrated knife, cut into 3/4-inch thick slices.

9. Stand biscottis upright (on cut sides).

10. Bake for 12 minutes. Take them out, turn each biscotti over on the other side, and bake for another 12 minutes. Allow to cool.

11. Put white chocolate chips in a ziploc bag and melt in the microwave for about a minute and a half at 20-second intervals. Are you scared this is going to give you cancer? It probably is. When smooth, cut a hole at the end, pipe the chocolate on top of each biscotti and spread with a knife. And you're done!

Biscottis are not the prettiest things to photograph, but I think we can all agree the coffee cups I painted are pretty much the most beautiful things on earth. Usually I am sarcastic so you are probably confused right now, like, is she being serious? and I am being completely serious. I feel so incredibly cool when I drink out of those like whoooaaa.

Things that bring me an unsurpassable amount of joy.

The free popcorn at Les Schwab.

Hearing my dad say "that was SICK!" with all the fervor of a 16-year-old boy. A 16-year-old boy in 2004.

That unspoken mutual agreement that passes between me and my roommate when someone knocks on our door on a Sunday. The silent agreement that neither of us will be getting up from the couch to answer the door. The chances of it being Mormons or a kid trying to sell shit far outweigh the chances that it's someone we actually like.

The shitload of new emoji's that came with the new iPhone update. Words are now completely unnecessary and way overrated in terms of communication.

Waking up on a Tuesday only to realize it's actually Friday. On the reverse, there is probably nothing worse than waking up on a Saturday only to realize it's Monday.

When guys wear white sunglasses LOL JK.

Peanut butter frozen yogurt from Menchies. 'Tis the perfect vehicle for crumbled reese's, peanuts, and warm peanut butter drizzled on top. No, this post is not sponsored by Jiff.

The fact that illustrator Lisa Congdon didn't start painting until she was in her 30s. I'M NOT TOO OLD TO BE SOMEONE!

When I leave for work with a messy house and come home to a spotless house just because my roommate decided to clean. This has never happened but I imagine it would be quite nice.

The myfriendsaremarried tumblr.

The party bus that took me and my friends to a club this weekend. By party bus I mean neighborhood shuttle and by club I mean small casino in Cle Elum that usually serves around six locals. True story.

Seeing parents genuinely enjoying their young children while in public. Creep factor high on this one in regards to me. Hide yo children hide yo wife.

A salted caramel frosting recipe that doesn't involve a candy thermometer. This isn't because I have anything against thermometers, but more because I broke mine trying to make caramel last time. Science, man.

Salted caramel is all the rage these days, and for good reason. This frosting turns out light and fluffy with an incredible slightly bitter caramel taste. I like pairing it with dark chocolate cake, but it would also be great with vanilla.

Dark Chocolate & Salted Caramel Cupcakes
Adapted from Chow
Makes 24 cupcakes

Use your favorite dark chocolate cake recipe. This one is mine. Then top with this frosting:

Salted Caramel Frosting
1/2 cup sugar
4 tbl water
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tsp. vanilla extract
12 tbl (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
3 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tsp fine salt

1. Briefly stir together sugar and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Continue cooking, without stirring, until mixture turns a dark amber color, about 8-12 minutes.

2. Remove from heat and slowly add in cream and vanilla, stirring with a wooden spoon until completely smooth. Set aside until cool to the touch, about 25 minutes. If you want to drizzle some caramel on top of the cupcakes like I did, reserve a little caramel in a separate container for later.

3. Combine butter and salt in a bowl of a stand mixture fitted with the paddle attachment and beat on medium-high speed until light in color and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce speed to low, add powdered sugar, and mix until completely incorporated.

4. Turn mixture off and scrape down the sides of the bowl, then add caramel. Beat frosting on medium-high speed until airy and thoroughly mixed, about two minutes. Use immediately or cover and refrigerate up to five days.

Pumpkin spice lattes ain't got shit on these.

Does anyone else ever wonder how Ellen Degeneres is able to watch so much reality tv in addition to hosting her own show and being fucking awesome?

I'm thinking she doesn't sleep. That or she has someone on her staff filling her in on what is happening with the most influential members of our society including Amber Portwood, Emily Maynard, and Spencer Pratt. But that would be cheating, and something tells me my girl Ellen isn't a cheater. In any case, I admire her proven dedication and genuine interest in all things reality. It allows us to connect on a spiritual level. This is me talking as if we are besties.

I, on the other hand, have fallen behind on nearly all of my shows and it's almost as if my soul has been ripped from my very own body because reality tv is essentially my identity. My purpose in life. I'm ashamed to admit I don't know what's going on with So You Think You Can Dance, I have yet to see any episodes of the Real Housewives of Miami, and I'm not even sure if Kourtney Kardashian birthed her second child yet. It would be cool to tell you I've been too busy with work, or cleaning out my basement, or maybe doing good things for the community, but mostly I've just been drinking. Not alone, don't worry.

But luckily fall is upon us. In addition to honeycrisp apples, tailgating, and the sight of school supplies in stores, fall is my favorite season because it means I can partake in an excessive amount of tv watching without the guilt I feel during the summer. It's actually still been pretty nice out around here but I'm just going to ignore that.

Fall is also the best season because we get to go buckwild with pumpkin.

Pumpkin spice cupcakes, to be exact. You are quite possibly already sick of the words "pumpkin spice" due to the onsalught of facebook statuses written by girls confessing their love for pumpkin spice lattes that are currently clogging your mini feed.

This is my roommate posing in a pretty unnatural position. At this exact moment she was saying, "can I be done yet?"

Please enjoy the nerdy pumpkin cupcake liners. These are often mistaken for apples, which upsets me probably more than it should. I snuck these in my mom's cart one day when we were shopping because I'm 4 years old.

Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes w/ Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting
Adapted from Taste of Home
Makes 24 cupcakes

Cupcake Ingredients
3/4 cup butter, softened
2 1/4 cups sugar
3 eggs
1 can (15-oz) solid-pack pumpkin
2 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbl. pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
3/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 cup buttermilk

Preheat oven to 350F.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add pumpkin. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the flour, pie spice, baking powder, cinnamon, salt, baking soda, ginger, and nutmeg. Add to the creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating well after each addition.

Fill paper-lined muffin cups three-fourths full. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.

Frosting Ingredients
1 package (8-oz) cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup butter, softened
3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 tsp. ground cinnamon

Beat cream cheese and butter until fluffy. Add the confectioners sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. Beat until smooth. Frost cupcakes.

The second-best candy bar there is.

Upon getting my driver's license when I was 16, my dad told me I would never forget my first ride as the driver behind the wheel. That he still remembers where he took his friends, and how it's a milestone in every young person's life that they always remember.

Well, my memory is comparable to that of a goldfish, so I actually don't remember where I went. But I'm sure it was somewhere very important, full of Mariah Carey and mature conversations. If I had to put money on it, I would guess 7/11 or perhaps the mall to partake in some serious nothing. Going to the mall for the sake of just being at the mall literally sounds like the worst thing in the entire world.

However, one moment I will never, EVER forget is the time I took my first bite of a Snickers ice cream bar. I was 14, wearing pink leggings and an Old Navy tech vest, and had just murdered my brother's high score on the pogo stick. I ate four of them that day.

Snickers isn't even my favorite candy bar (Reese's is, duh), so it's all very confusing. But I've come to the conclusion that they put crack in those bars. Addiction is real, players. So is obesity.

If you have never had a Snickers ice cream bar, stop watching The Voice right now and go get one. And shame on you. If you can do one thing for yourself this year it's eat one of those. When you've completed this task, then make these homemade Snickers, because they are nearly as good. I'm even going to come out with the bold statement that they are better than regular Snickers. It could have something to do with the fact that peanut butter is added to basically every layer.

After I made these I realized they are gluten free. Can I get a hell yeah?? This doesn't really affect me because I practically bathe in gluten, but one of my friends can never eat anything I make because, well, I'm an asshole and bring over muffins and cookies and cupcakes when we get together. Or sometimes I do take her gluten allergy into consideration and bring over things like peanut butter pretzel bites only to realize I'm a huge moron. Because yeah, pretzels.

Homemade Snickers Bars
recipe from Brown Eyed Baker

Bottom Chocolate Layer
1 1/4 cup milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup peanut butter

Thouroughly grease a 9x13-inch baking pan. Melt together the chocolate chips and peanut butter in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds, until completely smooth and melted.  Pour into prepared baking dish and smooth into an even layer. Refrigerate until completely cool and hard.

Nougat Layer
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1 1/2 cups marshmallow fluff
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1 1/2 cups salted peanut, roughly chopped
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Add the sugar and evaporated milk, stirring until dissolved, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove the pan from heat and add the marshmallow fluff, peanut butter, and vanilla extract, stirring until completely smooth. Fold in the peanuts, then pour over the bottom layer. Refrigerate until cool.



Caramel Layer
14-oz bag of caramels, unwrapped
1/4 cup heavy cream
Combine the caramels and the heavy cream in a small saucepan over low heat. Melt, stirring occasionally, until smooth. Once completely melted, cook for an additional 4 minutes, stirring frequently. Pour the caramel over the nougat layer. Refrigerate until completely cool, about 30 minutes.

Top Chocolate Layer
1 1/4 cups milk chocolate chips
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
Melt together the chocolate chips and peanut butter in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds, until completely smooth and melted. Pour over the caramel layer and smooth into an even layer. Refrigerate until completely cool, about an hour.

Cut bars into pieces and store in refrigerator.

And when I say sometimes I mean pretty much all the time.

Sometimes I spend entirely too much time thinking about the people who decide it's a good idea to get massages in the middle of the airport.

Sometimes I go to cnn.com to get smart and then end up immediately going to the entertainment section.

Sometimes I dip a spoon into peanut butter, then into peanut butter granola, then I put honey on it, then I put it in my mouth. Because my body is a temple.

Sometimes I feel like a true adult. Like when I discover I already have all the ingredients in my pantry for a meal I'm about to make. Or when I get genuinely WAY TOO EXCITED about my new glass food storage containers. And then I make my mom come to the doctor with me.

Sometimes I am so blown away by the beauty of Seattle. This is usually right before I step on a syringe of some sort.

Sometimes I find myself eating Lucky Charms on the couch watching Teen Mom with no pants on and that's when I start to wonder how I have nice things and a job.

Sometimes when a recipe calls for chicken I go to the Whole Foods salad bar and fill up a box of their prepared chicken instead of cooking it myself because I am actually the laziest person on the planet. I also love throwing money away.

Sometimes when I wear sweatshirts, and converse sneakers, and dirty jeans with holes in them, I also wear a fancy necklace so people don't mistake me for being homeless.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone actually reads this blog because I ramble about the most nonsensical nonsense. Thanks though guys, it pays the bills. (not at all).

Sometimes I procrastinate so hardcore on cookie orders that I have to do next-day Saturday shipping that costs $140. I'm not very good at math but something tells me that transaction wasn't entirely profitable.

Sometimes I steal recipes from my roommate's mom because she has a stack of real recipes that are written down on notecards and ripped from newspapers, which automatically guarantees they are worthwhile. Tangible recipes are hard to come by these days so we must celebrate them! They are rare and beautiful like good-looking men in Seattle and unicorn tears.

This particular one came from The Seattle Times. You know those 7-layer bars that have coconut and graham cracker and are completely magical? These are like those, but in cookie form. A man named Dave invented them, and he just happens to call them treasure cookies. Deal with that in your heart.

Dave's Chocolate Chip Treasure Cookies

Ingredients
1 1/2 cups ground graham-cracker crumbs
2 tsps baking powder
1 can (14-oz.) sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sweetened shredded coconut
1 package (12-oz.) semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 375F.

In a bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, flour, and baking powder. In a mixer bowl, beat the condensed milk and butter until smooth. Add the graham cracker mixture and mix well. Stir in the coconut, chocolate chips, and walnuts. Mixture should be slightly lumpy and dry.

Shape dough into 1 1/2-inch balls and place onto ungreased cookie sheets, allowing room to spread. Bake 9 to 10 minutes or until lightly brown. Transfer to racks to cool.

How to take your weekend cabin trip from zero to hero.

I'm not totally sure what zero to hero means, but it sounded right. In other words, follow these steps in order to have a really rad time.

Abuse YOLO. I realize YOLO has already been abused but there's always more room for abuse <--- That is a really fucked up sentence.  Not only is YOLO a means of justifying any and all poor life choices, but it truly improves the general well-being of your trip. At a certain point its overuse just  turns into a huge joke. But it's a joke that works and somehow gets everyone to throw out their inhibitions. So if there's one thing you remember, it's use more YOLO. If you don't, you are at risk of later getting a bad case of FOMO (fear of missing out).  Here are some real life examples of how YOLO has recently been used:

"Do you want to shotgun a beer?" "I think I'm going to puke" "YOLO"

"I thought you said you didn't know how to swim? Are you jumping off that dock?" "YOLO"

"That dude over there is hot" "Who, the 15 year old?" "YOLO"

Use Fireball instead of mouthwash. Or Rumplemintz if you're really trying to get buck.

You need at least one hipster. This doesn't mean your friend that just happens to ride a fixed gear bike to work and occasionally rocks a mustache. I'm talking true, authenic hipster. The one that bought skinny maroon pants before they were cool and maybe goes by the name of tigerelephant on instagram. Hipsters are an integral part of any party because they always have the best music. They are also more inclined to talk about all their feelings which is neat.

Make guests work for their food. Get them on their hands and knees to go clamming. Our host told us that was the only way we would be able to eat that night, and she said so while standing around watching us break our backs to provide. At one point I heard someone wimper "but my feet hurt," and I'm pretty sure someone else was crying softly to themselves while the cool breeze whipped their face. A kitten also died that day.

But this act of teamwork increases camaraderie. It also makes for a really good dinner.

photo cred goes to tigerelephant, naturally

Bake some shit. This isn't the most vital element of a successful weekend, but we will say it is to uphold integrity of the blog. Make something like blueberry lemon bundt cake in the morning when people are all nice and hungover and they will go nutso.

Babies aren't invited. 

Overstay your welcome. You plan a trip for Friday to Sunday. You wake up Sunday morning abnormally depressed because it's nearly time to leave. But oh! You're drinking a beer over there? I think I will too. The rest is history and the next thing you know you are crammed in a car at 5:30am Monday morning in order to get to work on time. But there's a good chance that, as you are riding in the back silently praying you don't die of claustrophobia, you won't even regret your decision to get way too drunk for a Sunday. A Sunday that involved probably way too much interpretive dancing to the tune of Chris Rene's "Young Homie." Because holy shit that was fun.

Blueberry Lemon Bundt Cake

Ingredients
Cake
2 2/3 cup flour
1 tbs. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. baking soda

1 cup unsalted butter, room temp
1 3/4 cup sugar
4 large eggs, room temp
2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup buttermilk
Juice and zest of 1 lemon
2 pints blueberries

Glaze
1 tbs. butter, softened
1 tbs. milk
1/8 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 cup powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350.

Sift the flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda. Set aside.

Toss blueberries with a little flour to coat. Set aside.

Mix together butter and sugar until light and fluffy (about 2 minutes). Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Add the vanilla and lemon juice/zest and mix well.

With mixer on low, add about 1/3 of the flour mix, then 1/2 of the buttermilk alternatively, ending with the flour mix. Scrape down sides of bowl between additions. Do not overbeat.

Spoon a generous couple spoonfuls of batter into greased bundt pan. Gently fold blueberries into remaining batter and scrape into pan.

Bake 40-50 minutes, or until toothpick inserted near the middle of the cake comes out clean. Cool cake in pan for about 20 minutes, then turn onto a rack to cool completely.

Don't forget the glaze! Because no cake should ever be eaten without icing or frosting or glaze or straight peanut butter from the jar.

To make the glaze, cream butter, milk, salt and vanilla. Add powdered sugar and additional milk to desired consistency. Pour that sucker over the cake.

Is that food on your face? It's been there for seven hours.

You know when someone has food on their face and it's somehow really stressful? You are sitting with a large group and everyone can see this asshole just blabbing away with broccoli wedged between their two front teeth. And it's so excruciating, because you so badly want to be like joe, stop talking! you have green shit in your teeth and look like a complete moron right now! But it's almost worse to call them out, because then everyone stares while they awkwardly attempt to fish unknown food items out with their pinky finger for 6 minutes. Did I get it yet? How about now?

I don't know, I find it unfortunate this is such a sensitive matter. It happens to everyone, yet still there are no definitive rules as to how to deal with it. Or when to tell. Or how to not be an asshole during all of the above. But I believe the victim has the right to know, godammit. Let's think about this logically here:

Upon discovering food in your teeth a painful two hours after dinner has ended, have you ever thought to yourself, I am soo happy no one told me about this!

No, you haven't. In the same way you have never been able to feel actual remorse for the dying animals in the Sarah McLachlan animal rescue commercials because, well, Sarah McLachlan is in them. But that is neither here nor there.

My roommate's sister is huhh-larious because she a) doesn't tell people when they have food on their face and b) thinks she's doing them a favor. She stands by this and even does it to her own sister.  Allows her to just walk around downtown Seattle all day with biscuit crusted to her cheek should the opportunity present itself. Her stance on the subject is almost convincing and I appreciate the energy and dedication she commits to it.

"No seriously you guys, when I see someone with something on their face I just view it objectively. Like, oh, there's shit on their face. I don't see it as a bad thing. It's just a part of them."

This is a snippet taken from the 45-minute discussion we recently had on this matter.

Just kidding. It was more like an hour.

I find peaches to be generally messface-free food, which is why I made this dessert. Actually I made it because I somehow wound up with fifty thousand peaches in my house. And by somehow I mean I got a little too excited at the peach truck on the side of the road the other day.

Have you ever seen a more beautiful sight than this? Aside from Ryan Gosling or perhaps a babychild? Or even better Ryan Gosling WITH a babychild? In his arms, not his stomach.

Ok so you are going to go find a dirty-looking peach truck on the side of the road, and you are going to buy a lot of them. You are then going to question your life choices and maybe even get a little buyer's remorse because how much did you just pay for that box of peaches? And then you are going to make this dessert.

When I set out making this I wasn't too excited. I generally don't like fruit desserts because usually I would rather cram a million calories into my mouth by means of peanut butter or chocolate. BUT. This is pretty bomb and it's perfect for summer so just go with it, players.

Peach Cobbler

Ingredients
Filling
3-4 peaches, thinly sliced
3 tbl sugar
1/2 lemon juice and zest
1/4 cup water
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cornstarch

Topping
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp salt
3/4 cup butter
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbl sugar mixed with 1 tsp cinnamon for sprinkling on top

Preheat oven to 375F.

In an 8- or 9-inch square pan, mix above ingredients and set aside.

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. Stir in flour, baking powder and salt. Gradually add flour mixture and mix just until combined.

Drop batter over filling, covering as much as possible.

Sprinkle sugar/cinnamon mixture on top.

Bake 35 to 40 minutes, until crust is cooked and golden.