Merry Christmas, fuckers.

I wonder if there will ever be a holiday that I wake up feeling great. Having the day off work, and therefore an entire night to dedicate to fireball, prevents this from ever happening. It's rude.

I have just accepted it as a part of life, a tradition if you will.

Are you judging me in your head right now? I have other traditions too! My little brother used to come sleep in my bed on Christmas Eve every year. Excitement would usually wake us up around 5 in the morning and would prompt us to talk in hushed voices about what we thought Santa brought us. For him, usually a gameboy or nintendo. For me, generally peace on earth. Jk. I always wanted barbies. This ritual died a few years ago when he got a girlfriend and told me he was scared he was going to start spooning me on accident in the middle of the night, thinking I was her. He is a terrible sleeper anyway. He sweats a lot and flails his legs about. But he is also obsessed with taking pictures of bugs on flowers and used to have a belt when he was younger that he thought made him run faster, so I think it's safe to say he is a really rad human.

One not-so-cool thing about him is that he couldn't care less about baked goods. So while I'm shoveling my face with almond toffee crunch cookies, he's generally sitting there. Not eating any.

Almond Toffee Crunch Cookies
Adapted from AllRecipes 

Ingredients
35 saltines
1 cup butter
1 cup light brown sugar
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 1/2 cup milk chocolate chips
1 cup blanched slivered almonds

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cover a sided cookie sheet with aluminum foil and line crackers on foil.
2. Combine butter and brown sugar in a saucepan. Stirring constantly, bring to a boil for 3 minutes. Pour over crackers completely.
3. Bake for 5 to 6 minutes. Remove cookie sheet from oven, place it on oven door and sprinkle chocolate chips over baked crackers. When chocolate get soft, spread over crackers with back of spoon.
4. Sprinkle almonds on melted chocolate. Place in refrigerator for at least 8 hours. Break into cookie-size pieces.

It took me a while to think about what to call these things. They are like toffee, and cracker, and cookie, and candy combined into one. So basically I could call them HEAVEN but instead we will call them almond toffee crunch cookies.

Put them in an old tea tin and give them as a gift. Oh you actually have money to spend on presents? Nevermind.

Real talk.

Let's talk about things I'm bad at.

I'm really bad at losing. I'm a terrible sport and it's best not to be anywhere near me when I'm losing at Scrabble, blackjack, or Mario Kart. I made a scene when my team lost the beer olympics at our most recent cabin trip, but I'm almost positive the other team was cheating. Omg see? I can't even control myself.

I'm bad at being on time pretty much anywhere. Tell me to be to your place by 6:00 and I'll be there by 6:30. Tell me to be there by 5:30 because you know me and I'll be there at 6:30. I know, it doesn't even make sense. I've been this way forever and it's not because I view my time as more valuable than yours, it's just because I'm wired this way. Yeah that's it, I'm blaming it on genetics.

I'm terrible at blogging frequently. How do others do it? And does their strategy involve cocaine or maybe crack?

I'm bad at trivia. Really incredibly bad at trivia. I don't think of myself as a dumb individual but I do when I attend trivia night. I contribute absolutely nothing to the group except maybe help with the team name at the start. Boy does that activity do a number on my ego. Then I go home and watch Jersey Shore and feel smart again.

And because it's only fair, now let's talk about things I'm good at.

I'm really good at singing in the car. Holy shit I sound so good! If anyone heard me singing I imagine they would say something like, have you auditioned for American Idol yet? My harmonizing is top notch. No but really, why does my voice sound so much better in the car? Please don't ever ask me to sing, because I'm actually terrible.

I'm so weirdly good at parallel parking. Not so good at driving in general.

I'm good at making Christmas lists for myself because I'm a huge brat. These lists take a lot of time and are very detailed and some say I ruin the surprise. I say I win at the game of Christmas. I'm also good at pretending these lists are the most important things to ever grace my parent's inbox. IT'S THE DAY YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! was the subject of my Christmas list email this year. My mom thought I was super jazzed about election day because I sent it November 6. Nope, we have much more pressing topics to address here, mother. 

I am really good at eating really fast. By the time my parents are finishing their salads I'm already eyeing dessert. This particular point probably could have been placed in the bad category because some would say perhaps I don't savor my food but I prefer to view it as a positive. You know, in case I ever find myself in the middle of an eating competition.

I'm good at making this dessert. Partly because I've made it so many times and partly because it's crazy simple. 

This is one of those recipes that when you have people coming over and you're like oh em gee what should I give these people to eat?, you make these raspberry bars. They are quick, obviously delicious, and are best served alongside ice cream. Forget actual nourishment, just feed them these. Ok maybe you should make them dinner too. Top ramen?

Raspberry Streusel Bars

Ingredients
1 1/4 cup quick oats, uncooked
1 1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1 tsp. baking baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/4 sticks butter, melted
1 C. raspberry preserves
3/4 C. white chocolate chips, divided
1/4 to 1/2 C. toasted chopped almonds

Preheat oven to 350F.

Combine oats, flour, brown sugar, baking powder and salt in bowl. Melt butter in microwave in a large bowl. Add oat mixture to butter and combine with fork until mixed and crumbly. Set aside 1 cup crumb mixture.

Press remaining crumb mix onto bottom of an 8-inch square pan sprayed lightly with cooking spray. Bake 10 minutes. Spread raspberry jam evenly over baked crust to within 1/4 inch of edges.  Sprinkle 1/2 cup white chocolate chips.

Combine reserved crumb mixture, remaining 1/4-cup white chocolate chips and chopped almonds. Sprinkle over fruit mixture, pressing lightly into fruit. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until golden brown. Cool completely on wire rack (this takes a while before it's solid enough to cut without making a huge mess, usually a couple hours). Cut into squares to serve.

Would you like some caramel with your butter?

What do you get when you add four sticks of butter to a bowl full of sugar, milk, and caramel?

It looks a little something like this:

That sounded like a build up to a joke, but instead it is just an uncreative start to a blog post.

Please don't ask me why I felt it was necessary to add an entire box of butter to something then feed it to my coworkers, because there is really no good reason except that Paula Deen says it's ok. This isn't her recipe but I know she would like it.

For some reason I was just thinking that Paula Deen was maybe dead? A quick google search revealed that no, she just has type 2 diabetes. All is well.

Back to the butter.

It truly doesn't get much better than a crumbly shortbread topping, gooey salted caramel center and mini chocolate chips. The only thing that may be greater is that new docudrama on MTV that follows people as they meet their online boyfriends for the first time, who usually end up being overweight men living in trailers instead of young body builders. Quite possibly the most entertaining part of all this though isn't the unveiling, but the fact that these girls are actually surprised. Really?

These bars are rich. They taste like butter and they smell like butter and I ate one for breakfast. These are what I like to call a vegan's worst nightmare.

Something that I don't enjoy is substituting healthy alternatives in baked goods even though it's all the rage right now. Have you seen that chart of healthy baking substitutions that's been making it's way around the interwebs yet? Apple sauce instead of sugar? What is that shit? My take on this is simple: Using greek yogurt instead of oil to make your cream cheese pound cake makes you a moron.

I am also offended by the sugar-free items in the baking aisle that think they can just sit next to the real people items like it's nbd. I almost bought sugar-free graham crackers on accident the other day and I literally said "fuck you" out loud right next to the butterscotch chips and children when I realized my mistake. Things like this belong in their own store, and that store is called the trash can.

Salted Caramel Butter Bars
Adapted from Cookies & Cups

For the crust: 
1 lb. salted butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
2 tbs. vanilla
4 cups all-purpose flour

For the filling:
1 bag caramel candies, unwrapped
1/3 cup milk or cream
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 tbs. sea salt

In a large bowl, combine the butter and sugars. Using mixer on medium speed, beat together until creamy. Add the vanilla and beat until combined. Sift the flour into the butter mixture and beat on low speed until a smooth soft dough forms.

Spray a 9x13-inch baking pan lightly with nonstick cooking spray. Press one-third of the dough evenly onto the pan to form a bottom crust, and place the remainder of the dough in the fridge to chill.

Preheat oven to 325F.

Bake until firm and edges are a pale golden brown, approximately 20 minutes. Transfer pan to a wire rack and let cool about 15 minutes.

While the bottom crust is baking and the remaining dough is chilling, make the caramel filling. Place the unwrapped caramels in a microwave-safe bowl. Add the cream and vanilla. Microwave on high for 1 minute. Remove from the microwave and stir until smooth. If caramels are not completely melted, microwave on high for 30-second intervals, stirring after each interval, until smooth.

Pour the caramel filling over the crust. Sprinkle salt on top.

Remove the remaining chilled dough from the refrigerator and crumble it evenly over the caramel. Return the pan to the oven and bake until the filling is bubbly and the crumbled shortbread topping is firm and lightly golden, about 30 minutes. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top. Let cool before cutting into squares.

So let's embrace these, my friends. Let's embrace the fact that each square contains a tablespoon of butter. Pretend I didn't just tell you that.

A cookie recipe for the baking challenged or maybe even an infant.

I'm going to do you a favor.

First, I'm going to inform you that Bartell's frowns upon the act of unwrapping multiple lipsticks and testing them before setting them down and walking away. They really don't like it and they will even sic a really scary security guard on you when you are trying to leave. Then you will get a picture taken under unflattering fluorescent lighting in the secret back room, and they also don't like it when you joke about looking good because, well, you just found the perfect shade of berry-colored lipstick. They will also try scaring you into believing you can't enter another Bartell's for a year but aha! That is a lie. Because I tested it myself.

Second, I'm going to give you the most fool-proof cookie recipe that is going to be your permanent go-to, so you're welcome. Some of my friends tell me they are terrible at baking. They say nothing ever turns out as planned and then I will be over at their house watching them make cookies and they start throwing random amounts of flour and sugar and baking soda into a bowl and are confused when they come out spread across the pan in one giant clump. "how much flour did you put in there?" "oh i don't know, i like to just eyeball it." Ok then. Interesting tactic.

So these classic chocolate cookies are easy. They are easy so long as you follow the recipe, which apparently is a novel concept. And I bet you even have all the ingredients in your pantry already.

Classic Chocolate Cookies
Recipe from my homegirl Martha Stewart

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups sugar + some for dipping
2 eggs
2 tsp pure vanilla extract

Sift together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter, 2 cups sugar and eggs on medium speed until light and fluffy, about two minutes. Add vanilla and mix to combine. Gradually add dry ingredients and combine with mixer on low speed. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and chill until dough is firm, about one hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper. Roll dough into 1-inch balls. Dip top of each ball into sugar. Place on prepared baking sheets about 1 1/2 inches apart. Flatten balls just a TINY bit. Bake until set, about 7 minutes. Cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Soft, chewy chocolate cookies...is there anything better? Friday.

Friday is better.

A really boozy sunday.

I almost threw up multiple times while making this cake.

Poor planning found me in the kitchen Sunday morning baking a cake for a whiskey-themed dinner party after a night out at a whiskey bar. Not advised. In fact, strongly discouraged.

None of the whiskey cake recipes online really did it for me, so I kind of pieced togeth my own like a G. I poured a whiskey glaze over two layers of yellow whiskey cake, stacked them together, and covered them in a toffee buttercream frosting. Please know that I felt so badass pouring Southern Comfort into the stand mixer of my kitchen aid. I was having an identity crisis between a rebellious teen and a perpetually drunk mom on Intervention.

I'm not much of a whiskey drinker. If I am drinking it, it's because I think I look cool. I can get down with this cake, though. It's moist (moist is your favorite word, right?) and has a good, strong flavor. The toffee buttercream makes it incredibly rich, but I think it pairs perfectly with the other flavors.

Sooo I got drunk off this cake. Really, though. Most of the whiskey is in the glaze, which doesn't get cooked off, so hello there cup of whiskey. Something I would not do is recommend this cake post-breakup. That would mean you would probably eat the entire thing and then as a result be shitfaced.

Whiskey Cake with Toffee Buttercream

Ingredients
1 box yellow cake mix
1 small box vanilla pudding mix
4 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup milk
1/8 cup whiskey
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

1/4 cup butter
3/4 cups whiskey
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 cup chopped walnuts

1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/3 cup milk
2 cups powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350F.

For the cake: Add cake mix, pudding mix, eggs, vegetable oil, milk, and whiskey to the bowl of a stand mixer. Beat for 5 minutes on medium speed. Add the walnuts and beat for another minute. The batter will be thick.  Pour batter into two greased 8'' cake pans. Bake for about 35 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean.

For the glaze: Melt the 1/4 cup butter in a large bowl. Add the whiskey and powdered sugar. Whisk until smooth. Poke holes all over the cake and pour the glaze all over both layers of cake. I poured some over the top, spooned it to cover the entire top and let it soak in. Repeat this until the glaze is gone.

For the frosting: Heat brown sugar, butter, and milk in a heavy bottom pot and bring to a boil, stirring constantly for two minutes. Remove from heat and cool for 30 minutes. Add powdered sugar and blend until smooth. Ice cake immediately. This frosting does set up rather quickly, so don't be slow! Hurry up and frost that sucker. Sprinkle chopped walnuts on top.

I rarely bake cakes myself, but I have obviously seen every episode of Amazing Wedding Cakes and Ace of Cakes, so the expectations of how this was going to look cosmetically were a little high. They slowly decreased as I went along and at one point any expectations at all were entirely non-existent. But hey, the rough edges and rustic nature make it look like it would fit in with some cowboys. In fact I'm pretty sure they were eating this exact cake in True Grit. Not positive though.

A biscotti recipe that actually tastes good.

Ok, I know what you're thinking. "Really, Maddie? Is that the best you can do? A biscotti?" But don't be so quick to judge, my friends. Just as hideous fur boots have a place on the legs of underage girls at raves, biscottis have a place in life, too. I personally guarantee that if you pair one of these bad boys with your morning coffee the capacity of your daily happiness will increase by at least 26%. It helps if it's a Friday.

So I can't take full credit for these, because it's actually my mom who found this recipe and modified it in order to get it just right. But I'm going to pretend it's my own, because that's what daughters do. Kind of like when she makes a gourmet meal and I try to pass it off as my own work, when in fact all I did was toss the salad. "You're welcome everyone. Really, it's no big deal. The braised lamb and roasted butternut squash rissoto practically made itself!" What, your mom doesn't allow that? Well mine also packed my lunch for work in an honest-to-god lunchbox every day when I lived with my parents after college and still occasionally makes my dentist appointments for me.

The beauty of the biscotti is that you can add whatever you like to it. Dried mango, pistachios, chocolate, whatevaaa. The ones I made have craisins, orange zest, almonds, and white chocolate. It's surprising that I even like them, considering they are hard and to me hard cookies are pretty much comparable to satan, but the fact that it's acceptable to eat them early in the morning increases the allure.

So. Are you ready to go on a biscotti adventure?

White Chocolate Almond Biscotti

Ingredients
1 3/4 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, melted
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
1 cup unsalted roasted almonds, chopped
1 cup Craisins
Zest of small orange
1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350F

2. In a bowl, sift together flour and baking powder.

3. In another bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, butter, vanilla, almond extract, and orange zest. Stir into flour mixture until a soft, sticky dough forms. Add chopped almonds and Craisins to dough.

4. Transfer to a lightly floured surface. Form into a smooth ball.

5. Divide dough in half. Roll out the dough into a 12-inch log.

This is my hand model. Look at that nail polish color! And those nail beds! Just exquisite.

6. Transfer to an ungreased baking sheet. Form dough into a rectangle.

7. Bake for 20 minutes. Turn oven down to 325F.

8. Using a serrated knife, cut into 3/4-inch thick slices.

9. Stand biscottis upright (on cut sides).

10. Bake for 12 minutes. Take them out, turn each biscotti over on the other side, and bake for another 12 minutes. Allow to cool.

11. Put white chocolate chips in a ziploc bag and melt in the microwave for about a minute and a half at 20-second intervals. Are you scared this is going to give you cancer? It probably is. When smooth, cut a hole at the end, pipe the chocolate on top of each biscotti and spread with a knife. And you're done!

Biscottis are not the prettiest things to photograph, but I think we can all agree the coffee cups I painted are pretty much the most beautiful things on earth. Usually I am sarcastic so you are probably confused right now, like, is she being serious? and I am being completely serious. I feel so incredibly cool when I drink out of those like whoooaaa.

Things that bring me an unsurpassable amount of joy.

The free popcorn at Les Schwab.

Hearing my dad say "that was SICK!" with all the fervor of a 16-year-old boy. A 16-year-old boy in 2004.

That unspoken mutual agreement that passes between me and my roommate when someone knocks on our door on a Sunday. The silent agreement that neither of us will be getting up from the couch to answer the door. The chances of it being Mormons or a kid trying to sell shit far outweigh the chances that it's someone we actually like.

The shitload of new emoji's that came with the new iPhone update. Words are now completely unnecessary and way overrated in terms of communication.

Waking up on a Tuesday only to realize it's actually Friday. On the reverse, there is probably nothing worse than waking up on a Saturday only to realize it's Monday.

When guys wear white sunglasses LOL JK.

Peanut butter frozen yogurt from Menchies. 'Tis the perfect vehicle for crumbled reese's, peanuts, and warm peanut butter drizzled on top. No, this post is not sponsored by Jiff.

The fact that illustrator Lisa Congdon didn't start painting until she was in her 30s. I'M NOT TOO OLD TO BE SOMEONE!

When I leave for work with a messy house and come home to a spotless house just because my roommate decided to clean. This has never happened but I imagine it would be quite nice.

The myfriendsaremarried tumblr.

The party bus that took me and my friends to a club this weekend. By party bus I mean neighborhood shuttle and by club I mean small casino in Cle Elum that usually serves around six locals. True story.

Seeing parents genuinely enjoying their young children while in public. Creep factor high on this one in regards to me. Hide yo children hide yo wife.

A salted caramel frosting recipe that doesn't involve a candy thermometer. This isn't because I have anything against thermometers, but more because I broke mine trying to make caramel last time. Science, man.

Salted caramel is all the rage these days, and for good reason. This frosting turns out light and fluffy with an incredible slightly bitter caramel taste. I like pairing it with dark chocolate cake, but it would also be great with vanilla.

Dark Chocolate & Salted Caramel Cupcakes
Adapted from Chow
Makes 24 cupcakes

Use your favorite dark chocolate cake recipe. This one is mine. Then top with this frosting:

Salted Caramel Frosting
1/2 cup sugar
4 tbl water
1/2 cup heavy cream
2 tsp. vanilla extract
12 tbl (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
3 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tsp fine salt

1. Briefly stir together sugar and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Continue cooking, without stirring, until mixture turns a dark amber color, about 8-12 minutes.

2. Remove from heat and slowly add in cream and vanilla, stirring with a wooden spoon until completely smooth. Set aside until cool to the touch, about 25 minutes. If you want to drizzle some caramel on top of the cupcakes like I did, reserve a little caramel in a separate container for later.

3. Combine butter and salt in a bowl of a stand mixture fitted with the paddle attachment and beat on medium-high speed until light in color and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce speed to low, add powdered sugar, and mix until completely incorporated.

4. Turn mixture off and scrape down the sides of the bowl, then add caramel. Beat frosting on medium-high speed until airy and thoroughly mixed, about two minutes. Use immediately or cover and refrigerate up to five days.